To Dodge a Bullet – Short Fiction by Bill Tope and Doug Hawley
A darkly comedic tale of family dynamics, misunderstandings, and awkward moments.
An innocent anniversary gift search takes a strange turn in "To Dodge a Bullet" by Bill Tope and Doug Hawley. What starts as a simple conversation soon spirals into a hilariously awkward encounter, leaving Wallace questioning everything. Ready to laugh, cringe, and reflect on this twisted family moment?
"I can't keep this up," said Wallace fretfully, sifting through a catalog.
"I'm not interested in your sexual problems," remarked his sister in law brightly, flashing an evil
grin.
"You're very funny, Suzanne," replied Wallace. She took a little bow. "You're as funny as a leak in an artificial heart," he ventured.
"Whoops," she said. "Forgot to laugh--again." "It may interest you to know what I'm working on," he told her. She looked up. "I'm trying to find something for Roxie for our fourth wedding anniversary."
"How about a divorce?" she suggested. He furrowed his brow in surprise.
"Think of it," she said persuasively. "It's something personal; it's new; it's something she hasn't got, and probably longs for; and it would make her so
happy!"
"Think of something else," he told her. She lapsed into a thoughtful silence.
"How about a sexual device?" she asked unexpectedly.
"Wha...!" he cried out.
"No, you're right, she went on, "she doesn't need one; she's got you."
Wallace blew out a breath, shook his head wearily.
"Unless, of course," added Suzanne, "you're not cutting the mustard..." and she left the thought hanging.
"We're fine there," he assured her.
"Not what I heard," she said cryptically. The brow furrowed again.
"What have you heard?" he asked.
She tipped her nose into the air. "Nothing..." and left it hanging there again.
"Girl," he said, "you are a piece of work."
"Yes," she agreed, but you must find me attractive." He cocked a brow. "After all, I am Roxie's identical
twin."
"You look the same," he conceded, "but...."
"Oh, you're dying to get your hands on me. Every guy dreams about twins," she went on. He snorted.
"Wally, I'd like to give you something," she said in a suddenly quiet and serious voice.
He looked up from the catalog, "It's sort of a pre-anniversary gift," she went on.
She had his attention now. Suddenly, she turned up a canister of Silly String and opened fire on her brother-in-law. Green strings of plastic cascaded from the canister and soon enveloped him. He made a grab for the can, but Suzanne was too quick and darted out of reach, continuing to inundate him with the webs of Silly String. Suddenly, he rushed, quicker than she had ever seen him move. He had one arm round her waist, the other clasping her hands behind her back. He laughed victoriously, and she giggled maniacally. The can fell to the floor and rolled merrily away, and the two of them stood in that intimate, awkward embrace, their faces flushed from the exertion. Their skin was hot where it touched the other. His face was but inches from hers. He could smell the wintergreen mints on her breath, she the after shave she'd given him last Christmas.
She does look so like Roxie, he thought, and realized he was breathing hard, his heart hammering in his chest. And she seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. Would he kiss her? she wondered frantically. And would she let him? The moment of closeness seemed to last a lifetime, but soon it was over, and they each withdrew, back into their own space. He stood awkwardly, his hands now empty, but twitching. She edged around him and picked up the catalog, which had fallen to the floor. "I think that Roxie would enjoy these diamond studs," she told him in a voice that crackled with nerves. They stood near but not touching. He peered at the page, seeing nothing. "Thanks, Suzie," he said gruffly. They simultaneously heaved a great sigh of
relief.
The next Saturday, Wallace is having lunch at the golf course with his friend Hank. “Man, I am so lucky. I almost made a move on my sister-in-law, Suzanne. I dated her before I met and married her sister. Best move I ever made. If I’d stuck with Suzanne, I’d be divorced or dead now. She was one wild child. Smoked weed constantly, drank like a fish, and I think had a few other guys on the side. At the time, I thought she was great. Then there was the pregnancy scare. Thank God, it was a false alarm. I might have ended up married to her with some other guy’s bastard. Lucky for me, I went to a party with her shortly before we broke up and met her sister. Just as good-looking, but a normal girl with a bright future. I’ll give Suzanne credit; if I hadn’t been dating her, I wouldn’t have met my wonderful wife Roxie. We’ve got a couple of great kids, saving for retirement, and the future looks good.
Suzanne is at the Other Place, her favorite drinking hole, talking to Pete the bartender. “Almost made a huge mistake the other day while talking to my old boyfriend and brother-in-law, Wallace. I’m giving him a bad time, and all of a sudden, he’s all over me. Got to tell you, there was a time we almost got married. He’s the most boring man alive. He’s an actuary for God’s sake. I’ll bet he and my sister have one day a week for missionary sex and one day a week to have a solitary beer. Fortunately, nothing serious happened, and I’m sure neither of us will tell my sister Roxie. Hey, I like the looks of that guy headed for the seat next to me.”
Pete said nothing, but wondered if he should find a way to see Suzanne outside the bar, but he had no luck that night. The man Suzanne liked sat beside her, bought her yet another bloody Mary, and asked, “How can such a beauty be alone?” After finishing her drink, they were gone.
Roxie is drinking wine at her house with her neighbor, Helen. “You know, Helen, I think Wallace may be fooling around with my sister, but it’s OK. I’ve got my eye on a handsome tennis instructor at the club.”
Loved this piece?
This piece is full of awkward tension and dark humor, but what about you?
What did this work make you think? Join the conversation below and share your thoughts—did this awkward moment resonate with you or just make you laugh?
Inspired to share your own story? Submit your work to be featured in Written Tales. We’re here to showcase your voice and talent.
✨ Members: You can submit for free.
Non-members: You can submit with a small fee to help support future issues.
→ Submit Your Work (Members)
→ Submit Your Work (Non-Members)
📖 Join the conversation and explore more stories, poems, and ideas.
→ Explore the Magazine
💬 What’s your ‘bullet’ to dodge?
We all face tricky moments and decisions in life. Share your story, your thoughts, or your reflections on this piece. How do you interpret the humor in this exchange? Your feedback helps shape future issues and gives you a voice in the community.
✍️ About the Authors
Doug Hawley is a little old man who lives with editor Sharon and cat Kitzhaber in Lake Oswego, Oregon, USA. His book "Weird Science" is from Bridge House in Manchester, England. He writes in all of the usual genres. Those stories have been published in several countries.
Bill Tope had several jobs and is now disabled. He lives in Southern Illinois with his cat, Baby.
📣 Writer Services
Become Part of the Tribe
Your support fuels the creativity of our community. Subscribe today to get full access to exclusive works, writing tips, and a tribe of passionate creators.
Exciting, awkward, titillating, messy, confusing, aroused, unresolved, left outside all night, locked out. And it's raining.
How I feel when I read another writer's brilliant poem or short story.
Round and round we go; no one knows what the other's thinking and saying. Just circular actions and reactions. Gives one pause about making a commitment. Does he/she really love me? Well, this was a funny way to raise the question. I liked it very much.